2: A bit more damage – you can handle it! – guilt and self-sabotage

It is very important to be able to identify damage - it is the cornerstone of the philosophy in The Social Blueprint. So, before we charge ahead, a few more examples. For flavour, try identifying damaging behaviours in the lives of those around you, and, for even more excitement, in your own!

Let us take an example: Ms. Telfina, not wanting to commit to a particular career, pursues an arts degree at the university. She was warned that there were few career opportunities available in her area of study, but she pursued it anyway. She excels in class, but by the time she completes the diploma, she has significant student debt and few job prospects. Her resulting debt affects her ability to secure a mortgage, and she must rent, making her situation even more unstable.

When her sister is old enough to pick a career, Ms. Telfina gives her advice: “Pick a job that you are interested in, and that is hiring.” The same advice Ms. Telfina herself was given by her parents.

This lack of life planning in major decisions is a common example of damage – Ms. Telfina knew the advice was sound, and wanted it for her sister, but was blind to it herself. We reconcile this by recognizing that Ms. Telfina has severe damage and that her own subconscious is guiding her conscious mind to make self-sabotaging decisions, like an ill-trained seeing-eye dog who sniffs treats for itself and leads its blind master to ruin.

How about this? Mr. Yerlo married when he was 25, and after two children and ten years, the relationship is in tatters. Mr. Yerlo and his wife don’t share common interests and don’t agree on how to raise children. The divorce is expensive and difficult for the children. Years later, Mr. Yerlo would give his children the advice he had been given in high school: “Make sure you are compatible with your partner.”

This advice, so obvious to Mr. Yerlo throughout his life (as it is to us all), was ignored it at the critical moment, causing great instability in his life. He could have easily found a partner with whom he shared values, but we know he must be heavily damaged because of the easily avoidable nature of this self-destructive behaviour. He is like a fish on a hook, being pulled towards doom by the invisible line of the fisherman – his own subconscious guilt!

These examples are nearly endless – failing to save for retirement and spending money frivolously, having affairs carelessly knowing your partner is likely to discover them and cause fracture, jumping into a financial decision with less forethought that you give to planning a birthday party, driving distracted and ending up in a crippling collision, abusing substances like alcohol and refusing to seek resources to address it, staying glued to screens and chairs and becoming overweight when the gym is just around the corner, or having more children than your financial and parenting abilities can withstand?

We talk about more examples in The Social Blueprint (not taking precautions and getting a life-long injury in sports or on the worksite is super common, too), but this should get you started. Don’t worry, we think we can fix people doing this to themselves – including you! Here’s the link to the full book!

The Book | The Social Blueprint